we will become silhouettes

I feel like I did two years ago.

I feel like complete shit today.

The kidney ultrasound just showed that I have a swollen kidney, which is likely caused by an infection or something. But it feels like death to me. I thought it would be worse. I’m going to get bloodwork in a few minutes.

I wish I felt adequate.

I’m starting nursing school in the spring. Go me. I like making people feel like they are cared for.

I was laying in bed last night, and my stomach has been hurting for over a month now. I rolled to my side and felt something sort of, resist, in my lower left stomach, right below my ribs. Low and behold, I felt around (which hurt) and I have a knot in there. May be from my kidneys, but it seems like now that my health insurance is running out, I’m getting really sick.  Go figure.

I’ll update more later, I guess.

I graduate in 12 fucking days. 8 school days left. I’m so excited. I got my drivers license in April. Didn’t fail the second attempt. Scratched Mom’s car but she was okay.

I’m pretty fucking annoyed at this point. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go to school. Everyone is annoying. I see shit like, “you smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die” which is silly. I like this girl, but smoking isn’t something you do to look awesome. I smoke because I’m fucking addicted. End of story.

And all this vampire shit. Grow up. Vampires don’t exist.

I went to NYC and prom. Prom was balls. NYC was amazing.

My math teacher has lost several of my assignments and is making me to them over and over. One quiz, I had to take 4 times over. She’s failing me this 9 weeks, even though I’ve been doing my work. Because she’s failing at being a teacher.

Pictures below.

killing myself*~

Here’s one from NYC outside of radio city music hall. Us getting a fix. lol

The way there was miserable. This fat bitch was just stepping on my last nerve. She hit me with a water bottle while I was asleep. Also, a piece of candy that she licked. Disgusting.

The second day was fun. We got to meet our friend Nick, whom we play xbox live with. Nerds.

The third day was balls. It rained, my shoes got soaked, and the ride home was also gay. A friend of mine, who I do love very much, is so loud. Sorry honey.

I got home and showered and slept for like 14 hours.

I’m going to head off here and get my shit together. I’ve been at Ryan’s for a few days.

So these last few days have been crazy.

Mom and Ash ‘broke up,’ he left the house, stayed in a hotel, packed his things. Today they got back together. Because of my advice.

I have to type up my whole research paper/works cited page tomorrow, plus 2 exams, and work on my product a little. It’ll be alright though, it’s nothing too hard.

I go to attempt my driving test tomorrow, the only thing i’m worried about is parallel parking. Which really isn’t too awful. I’m sure I”ll do fine.

I have 39 days of school left. For good.

I’m tired.

I don’t really want to go to school tomorrow, but I’m not going tuesday. Miss Wv is coming and I don’t really care to sit and hear her dumbass talk for 3 hours.

Ryan just left my house. I really miss him.

I went up to Dad’s today and was there for a little while. My dog is getting so big. (and stupid)

I don’t have anything to talk about. Byeeeee

Seriously? I get a call today. Just cause I’m 18 now everyone wants to me buy them cigarettes. okay, I smoke, but I’m not going to buy them for minors. When that’s all they want me to be there for. And, I know for a fact when I get my license in a week people will try and use me for rides. I feel like no one appreciates me, save for my family. What do I do that’s great? fucking nothing. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone.

I’m a pushover. I get called stupid and a moron and made fun of all the time. By people I dearly love. And you know how shitty that makes me feel? 

I’m graduating with a 78 average. Wow. What great colleges I can get into.  I’m math retarded, and when I take my ACT I’ll probably fail miserably.

What am I good for? Who cares about how Kerri feels? We can hurt her and use her all we want and she’ll come back to us because if we’re nice to her afterwards she’ll be okay.

Try having your fucking Dad come home one day and be like, “I’m leaving for war! I’ll see you in a couple years, if I don’t get killed over there.” Then your parents split. You don’t know who to live with cause you’re scared you’ll hurt the others feelings. Then, your dad marries a controlling cunt. She kicks you out, makes fun of you, throws your things away. Then try dealing with wanting to cause yourself as much harm as possible.  Then everyone thinking you’re crazy. Just because you swear to god that kitten will freeze to death. bring him in, watch him get kicked. And then that’s how you feel. Who cares? Why is this being in our house? We don’t want you here. You’re different than us.  Leave our house right now. Then you watch the person you love get hurt. And not believe that you’re here for them.

Too much is on my mind. Don’t fucking pity me.