we will become silhouettes

I’m at Dad’s for the next two weeks.

Last night was good. He let Todd and I go to Jason’s with Ryan. We mostly just sat around and played Halo all night. We ended up going to get breakfast at McDonald’s, and that was interesting. Matthew was ordering his food, which was biscuits and gravy. Every time he’d go to say gravy, Ryan would scream GRENADES. It was hilarious. They were just screaming the entire time. It was great.

Then Ryan and I ordered, and what happened made me so mad. She had us repeat our order 4 times, then, we got to the window. My food and Todd’s came up to about 9 dollars, so I handed her a twenty. She gave me a dollar back. Ryan corrected her, then at the second window they got our order wrong TWICE. I mean damn, what morons. What kind of criteria do they have to meet to work there? Obviously not much.

I got home at about 6:30 this morning. Then I went to sleep. Today I got my koi fish plugs in, but my right ear is still swollen and unhappy. I looked for a blowout, but there isn’t one. I guess it just wants to swell and be gay. And It’s really tight around the plug, which sucks. It hurts to get in and out. I’m just going to leave it alone for a couple days..And do some sea salt soaks just in case.

I’m waiting on Ryan to get here. Mom went to South Carolina for 2 weeks today. Ash said Ryan can go with us next year, which was nice.

I’m almost done with White Oleander, and I’m going to start Glass when I’m finished.

I guess I’m going to go and find something to do.

I heard something today that didn’t appeal to me much at all. Ryan and I came back to my house, and found out that my Mom has been fighting with Ash a lot today. He flipped out because she wouldn’t eat this soup he made, and he blew it way out of proportion. He screamed at her, accused her of being a prostitute, cheating on him, and all this jazz. And really? I wouldn’t have taken it if I were in her position. To make a long story short, he is incredibly childish and picks fights with her a lot.

Other than that, my day was nice. Ryan picked me up early this morning, we had breakfast ad went to his place and slept all day. Mine and his plugs came in the mail today and they’re beautiful. I’m glad he likes them. :]

I got a couple books in the mail as well and as soon as I finish White Oleander I’m going to start on Glass. I can’t wait. Geek?

This summer is shaping up to be good. July 4th weekend my Dad wanted us all to go to the river but he changed his mind. Now, we’re having a big cookout and fireworks. I’m really looking forward to it.

I’m going to go read some more, then try to nap before Ryan gets here.

I’ve been reflecting on myself and the past a lot tonight. It’s not the best thing for me to do, but it happens sometimes.

I have horrible trust issues. Due to being screwed over and lied to in the past. That, along with this ‘I’m not good enough’ complex. I feel like whatever I do doesn’t matter and I feel like I mess things up. I guess because what happened in the past feels like it’s going to happen again. I used to think that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, etc. I used to think I didn’t deserve anything. Or to be happy.

But the thing is, I am happy now. I haven’t messed anything up. So, all that cancels out.

I still think about it all occasionally, like everyone else would. I don’t understand past occurrences, and maybe I’m not supposed to. But sometimes things rear their heads at me again, and kind of rub themselves in my face. I hate it more than anything.

I know the past is the past, and it should stay that way. The more I dwell on it the more it becomes an issue, so I shouldn’t. And I usually don’t. But I made a silly mistake like an idiot tonight and right now, I feel like shit. But who’s to blame but me, really.

All I can say really is it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. The past is just a story.

Nothing new, really.

I ordered a bunch of books the other day and I’m exited for them to get here. I’m going to start reading White Oleander tonight. I read the first three Halo novels and they were great.

And I got 2 pairs of plugs, and I got Ryan’s 15/16 and 1 inch plugs. He gets them on our year anniversary. :] I’m really exited about that, too. Less than 3 months and we’ve been together for a year.

I saw him today. He came to my house, we played Halo and Guitar Hero, and ate. He’s picking me up in the morning at 7, and we’re going to eat, then sleep.

We didn’t have a good night last night, in fact, it was horrible. But, seeing as we’re not childish, we can work our shit out. And you know, I think it just makes us and our relationship stronger.

I look at other couples and I notice some fight all the time. Some, that’s all they do. Then I look at us. It’s different.

He’s the first person to really give a shit about me and my feelings. He’s the first person to write me letters, and tell me he loves me and really means it. It’s strange because I’m so used to being screwed over and hurt by others, and he’s picked me up. He’s proved to me that not everyone is out to get me. He’s proved to me that I’m worth something.

I love you. Thank you so much for everything

I haven’t had quite the best day.

Mom’s still on my ass all the time. Asking me all these questions still, ones I’ve already answered. Of course, nooo, Kerri doesn’t tell the truth about anything..

I went to church for the first time in months today..It wasn’t the best. One, I don’t believe a word they’re saying and two, I feel awkward.

Another thing..I’m getting frustrated with a ‘friend’ of mine. He keeps mentioning me, calling me, and he said I called him ‘babe.’ Riiiight. I only call Ryan that, Kid.

Today’s gone by slow. Ryan’s back there asleep and I’m pretty lonely. I’ve been drawing my Dad a picture but that got boring fast.

I don’t have much that’s interesting to tell.

I’m in Strasburg for the weekend. Ryan and Todd came too, and it’ll be much better this time, than last. Last time I missed Ryan, and didn’t feel good, so he came with me. Problem fixed.

Yesterday was pretty good. Ryan picked me up at 4:30 am, and we went to McDonald’s for breakfast. The service was pretty shitty, but the food was good. We went back to his place after that and went to sleep. When we woke up he packed, and we went to my Dad’s. We spent the night there, and it was nice.

When I get back into town, I’m getting a kitten Monday or the day after. Maybe. Mom and Ash are going to the beach for a week, and I’ll be staying with Dad. It’ll be a nice break.

Recently Mom’s been acting weird, like she doesn’t trust me. She was mad because Ryan picked me up so early, and we went to Dad’s so late. What’s the big deal, really? It’s summer. It’s not like I’m doing anything I shouldn’t be doing. She asked me if I was really at Dad’s. She made me promise her I was.

Ryan and I had a discussion the other morning. It made a lot of sense, and I’m glad I have someone to talk to about things like that. Whenever I talk to people about religion, our existence, and where we go after death, I get blown off or ignored. But he listened to me.

Basically I think,

- All these religions and beliefs are an interpretation of one thing. If you look at all of them, their morals are basically the same. You do good, you receive good and have a good afterlife. You do bad, you receive bad, and have a bad afterlife. I don’t think there’s a need to follow any religion.

- There are different planes of existence. Our body is a vehicle for the soul (or whatever you want to call it), to take us into the next place. The next place being a higher level of consciousness, and a different existence.

- The world will never end, or not anytime soon. It ends for people every day, people die, their world ends.

- We’ll eventually get the knowledge to spread out into space, and live elsewhere. The world will get crowded, and we’ll be forced to.

- We are NOT the only ones in the universe. There is other life, we are not the only intelligent ones. There could be others more intelligent and advanced than us, but we don’t know that.

K, I’m done for now. Think about that, huh?

I’m just trying to kill time.

In an hour and a half Ryan’s getting me for breakfast, and then we’re going back to his place and sleeping. Then, we’re going up to Dad’s, both of us are staying the night, then we’re all going to my Aunt Kim’s for the weekend. It’ll be..Interesting.

I can’t wait to see him even though I was him several hours ago. I love that boy.

Well..Off to finish packing, then Call of Duty. Maybe more tomorrow.

I haven’t updated in forever. But most of my posts start with this, huh?

I’m doing alright. Tomorrow is technically my last day of school. I have to go for 2 blocks, and that’s it. But I’m going Monday to make up work.. So I can get the best grade possible.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ryan. Nothing new, also. I got my ears up to 11/16′ and I’m exited about it.

I’ve been thinking about my Grandma a lot. My Great Grandma, too.

If God loved me, why would he give them sudden terminal illnesses and take them from me? Would he have given my Dad a monster for a wife who claimed that she loved God and followed his ways, only to be divorced a year later? Why would he have put me through so much? Why did he give my brother an incurable disease? Why would he allow retarded kids, and stillborn babies?

I don’t understand anything. I know I’m not supposed to. I don’t know what happens when I die. I don’t know if I’m going to reincarnate or go to hell, or live my life over. Nobody knows..So nobody should act like they do. Religion is mind control..

Well. It’s late, and I have to be up in 6 hours. So that’s all for now.