we will become silhouettes

Meh, I feel okay today. I need a job. I feel like a bum, I can’t buy food, anything I need. I have to ask Mom for money and that doesn’t feel good. At least she understands.

I applied for dish network, among 4 other damn places, but I’m hoping dish network hires me..1,200$ for training, and starting salary is 10.00 an hour. Sounds awesome. Sometime next year, I plan on moving out into a little apartment or something.

This summer has been good. Graduation was the happiest day of my life, aside from Dad coming back from Baghdad. We met David, after a 6 hour long drive to Dalton. He was really nice, and I consider him to be one of my closest friends.

It’s funny, how when I befriend someone in a different state, or damn country, they turn out to be some of the best I’ve ever met. Travis Bolen for example.

I’m going to the hospital/labcorp in a little while for bloodwork, a kidney sonogram, and an ultrasound to check up on my cysts. I get really tired of being sick/and or pain all the time. I mean, I’m 18, I shouldn’t have to deal with this. No one should.

Anyway, I have to get ready. Until later.

Been a while since I updated.

A lot has happened. I ended up getting a kitten at the end of June. I had him until the 6th, He got really sick and we took him to the vet. He had an immune deficiency, and as a result of that got pneumonia. Then, because of that, he got severely dehydrated. They couldn’t save him, and he died. That was really upsetting. I felt like it was my fault, but I realized it wasn’t. He was so cute. I named him Chief.

July 4th was fun. Dad bought a bunch of illegal fireworks and we let them off, and had a cookout.

Recently I’ve been going to Ryan’s early every morning, and coming back to my house after we sleep. It’s pretty nice.

He’s getting me soon. I haven’t really talked to him much tonight and it sucks because I have no one else to talk to, really. He’s out riding around with Matthew and then he’s coming here. I get to occupy myself for a while.

I read Glass, and it was good. I started A Wolf at the Table and it’s great as well.

I guess I’m going to go and get my clothes together.

I haven’t updated in forever. I think I’m going to stop saying that.

I stayed at Dad’s last night. I slept horrible, and didn’t fall asleep until about 7 am. But yesterday was good. I got to see my Aunt Kim and we all sat up here yesterday and ate and watched movies. It was nice.

I’m so glad it’s summer. You have no fucking idea.

Last summer was really bad up until mid August. I mean like, it was horrible. I hope I get to see Travis this summer. Last year when he came it was so fun.

It’s really quiet here. No one’s here and it’s kind of nice. But then again I don’t like being by myself all day. I hope Ryan hurries up and gets here.

I want to take a nap. I decided that I’m going to write and paint a lot this summer. I’ve been neglecting those talents and I probably shouldn’t.

night, sick
sleep, sick
ill favored
ill tempered
a jealous laugh
nervous laugh
eyes swollen
eyes blind
smiling face
hated face
loathing hidden
loathing obvious
quite unfair
cry unfair
turn over
turn away
night, sick
sleep, sick

I’m okay.

I spent the day with Ryan, but that’s nothing new. We watched the ghetto-ass fireworks up at East River. And went to dinner with my family. Other than that, nothing really happened today.

I’m bored to death..I made a new gamertag tonight, cause my other one expired. Bad ass.

We only have 8 days of school left. I’m really happy about it..Last summer was alright. The first couple months were god awful, but August was okay. I don’t know what I’ll be doing, other than seeing Ryan all the time and camping, maybe. Hopefully Travis is visiting. I might have stated all that in a previous entry, but I don’t care. I don’t really have anything to talk about, I always end up repeating myself.

I hope this summer and my senior year is good.

I was thinking the other day about these past 3 years in high school.

My freshman year was confusing. People I thought were my best friends talked shit about me. And I know that doesn’t sound like much, but you know, it hurts a lot when people you love call you a whore and a liar.

And shit with Austin whatshisname.

Last year around this time there was so much drama. Well, last year was drama and confusion and so on. Now that I think of it..It might have been the worst months of my life.

I haven’t really talked about it all with anyone. I have mostly, but not everything. I’m going to elaborate now..I suppose

Well the whole thing with Dad marrying Amy was shit. Everyone knew it would be. Her and her family caused me so much emotional and mental stress, that I was constantly angry and wanted to hurt not only myself but everyone else. I never acted on those feelings, but they were pretty overwhelming.

Dating Joe was a HUGE mistake. I mean..He was my best friend for a while, but nothing more. And then all that lying to me and turning on me kinda made me feel like shit. It made me feel like trash.

And what made me feel worse was I was really convinced that Ryan hated me, for months. You have no idea how upset I was over the whole situation. You know what it feels like whenever you really like someone, not only want to be with them, but adore them as a person, and it feels like they don’t want to have anything to do with you? There you go.

I guess that explains a lot.. Maybe? I haven’t really told the whole story but you get an idea. I hope I’m not upsetting anyone or weirding anyone out by saying all that. Now that I look back at it all I’ve came through so much.

I think it made me grow as a person, really.

And if I think about it? Whatever is running this life or whoever is up there has really blessed me. Maybe there’s nothing up there, and maybe nothing is running this life.

But I’m really thankful for what I have now. I’ve overcome so much in the past few years, and it’s made me a better person.. I appreciate more, I love more, I smile more, and I actually have faith in humanity.

I’m glad to be in company of such amazing people. I’m glad I have a wonderful brother, a best friend who would never hurt me, and I’m glad I found my other half. And he treats me like I should be treated.

Now that I’ve rambled on and on like an idiot I’m going to go. Congrats if you read all that.

I can’t sleep.

I’ve been painting and talking on the phone all night.

I don’t like the way my painting turned out. It doesn’t even look like it was supposed to. And I talked to Kristen for an hour tonight, it was nice.

I’ve laid in bed trying to get tired for the past 2 hours but it’s not working. Obviously.

Ryan’s birthday is today. He went to breakfast a few minutes ago. I’ve been on the phone with him all night and he’s not been too talkative, which kind of sucks.

Today Mom and Ash took us all to outback. Today we’re going paddle boating or something. I fucking hate boats. I hate being on the water.

I still don’t feel good. I didn’t feel good all day and I’ve stayed in a bad mood and I’ve been irate and I hate it. It’s just because I physically feel like shit. I’ve taken meds, but no matter what I do something hurts. It’s either my back or my head or my jaw. I’m tired of it.

I need a break, so bad. I don’t want to go to school Monday. At least we only have 18 days left.. :/

I don’t know what I need. I’ve been in a horrid mood for a couple of days and I’m sorry to whoever I’ve taken it out on.

Well on the bright side I get to see Ryan today. And Mom’s ordering me some 9/16ths Friday.

I think I’m going to lay down.